Monday 1 August 2016

I've hit Breaking point and now I'm broken



With the benefit of hindsight, I can see that the stress of preparing entrepreneurs to pitch for their loan was slightly overwhelming. Luckily I have a diary which I can look back over to highlight to me just  how my madness peaked. There were early warning signs, "Today disaster struck, I got windows loaded onto my laptop at the computer shop and lost all my photos and the pitching documents. I felt a bit tearful but better for eating a pack of Oreos, a mug of Kenyan tea, bar of fruit and nut, plain dairy milk bar, dinner, a leftover chapati from Friday, some watermelon and a slice of mango. All this stress is not good for me!" I'll draw a curtain over the next day, after discovering that one of my entrepreneurs had changed his pricing system to run at a loss, I was in such a state that my team leader sent me home to get some rest. It wasn't a big deal in itself but it was the straw that broke the camel's back and rather embarrassingly the metaphorical camel was in the very centre of town at the time where there is very little privacy. Nevertheless, this enforced day off was necessary as I was totally burnt out, having not scheduled any rest days of my own volition in a month. Despite this day of rest, I was still writing ridiculously anxty diary entries, "My neighbours have recently started a new tradition of playing loud music from 9:45 onwards at night. I would like to know what has inspired this and then shoot it". Clearly there was still a little tension in the air!

Also, the fact remained, that while I was taking this day off, there was a lot of work that wasn't being done. My clutch of entrepreneurs were the only ones to have no drop-outs and unfortunately for me, all of them wanted to pitch for the loan that was on offer, this meant that the workload I was neglecting was already substantially larger than average. Let me explain what the big deal is: The loans were repayable at 0% interest, rather than the standard 25% that Kenyan banks would offer a small business like ours. Basically, it's a once-in-a-career opportunity for our entrepreneurs. Some of course didn't want or need the money, but many did and felt they could expand their business faster with a cash injection now and then use the increased profits to pay the money back. There was a central pot of money that all of the entrepreneurs on the program are able to pitch for, in a style very much like Dragon's Den. However, unlike Dragon's Den, their proposals were supported by an awful lot of paperwork describing their journey and their financial status, which it fell down to me to produce (as the only team member with a laptop). Having had my laptop's memory wiped just 2 days before meant that I had 5 pitching documents to write in 4 days. The future careers and lifestyles of all my entrepreneurs were weighing very heavily on my shoulders.

I spent the next 4 days indoors with fellow volunteer Katie, who also had 4 documents of her own to write. We sat at the kitchen table and ate huge quantities of bread (because it was within easy reach) and discouraged anyone from coming into the house or indeed making any noise at all. Our workmates didn't have laptops and so they too were discouraged from coming in and disturbing us. This was no time for discussion! It was much like being at university again, cramming for a deadline. The only noise in the room being the sound of our keyboard keys and Ludovico Einaudi's piano compositions (the favoured soundtrack to many students' crises). All the while my entrepreneurs were helping to make me more stressed by not opening their shops, submitting incorrect financial figures to me and altering traditional recipes. It was so difficult being removed from them all in Katie's kitchen. I so wanted to be out there, on the shop floor, explaining why it was important to let the customers in.

Although my workmate, Paul, wasn't able to do an awful lot document-wise, he did meet with one entrepreneur and convince him not to pitch. Thank God! One less document to write! Now, don't think that we did this out of laziness. The fact was that the entrepreneur in question didn't really need a loan, he just wanted to be on the bandwagon.

On the last night we organised a sleepover, not for social reasons but so that we could stay up even later and work together. Our super-supportive team leader arrived with a large tub of chocolate ice cream and her laptop at 5pm to help get the job done. The ice cream didn't last a full half hour under the tyranny of Katie and me, but was silently demolished. It's amazing what stress can do! I eventually went to bed at 3am, but then my wretched body clock got me up again at 7.

As with all things, this time passed. Katie and I both got our documents submitted, admittedly a little after the deadline. I'd like to say that our mental sanity swiftly returned but I'll let you be the judge of that! I'll dedicate my next blog post to the type of party that follows an experience like this...


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